Monday, 2 May 2016

Telltale signs you're parenting a toddler

You know the people who tell you newborns are so hard and it's gets easier? What the bloody hell are they on about. Do they even have kids?! 

My life has changed more since Fred became a 'toddler' than it did when he first arrived. Here are the tell tale signs your life has been taken over by your toddler.

1. You are ALWAYS on full alert. You must remain on full alert every second of every day and watch for any signs of the following; removing of clothes/nappies in public places, attempts to play with electricity, turning into Jaws next to precious Joseph and always be ready to catch that flying plate of food. 

2. Your house will always need hoovered. Even when you've just hoovered, it will need hoovering again. The floor will be gritty and you can't be 100% sure what the brown thing is stuck to your foot. 

3. Walking at a normal speed will now be considered a luxury. It's wonderful when our children walk and want to be more independent. But sometimes it's just nice to walk at a normal speed and not stop to point to every bit of chewing gum stuck to the pavement. 

4. Pretending your child has learned to say duck when you know full well they are saying fuck because you said it earlier forgetting about the tiny sponge that is following you around just waiting to catch you out. 

5. You will use bribery daily. Yeah yeah I know you used to judge that mum in the queue in Tesco giving her kid sweets but now you never leave the house without a bag of chocolate buttons ready and waiting for bribe emergencies. 

6. You will constantly find weird things in weird places. Toddlers have some kind of invisibility, you think you are watching them but somehow they manage to sneak a tampon and put it in the toy box without you noticing. 

7. You've managed to perfect the manoeuvre of using the toilet, wiping, flushing and pulling your kaks up whilst stopping your over eager toddler dipping their hands in the toilet bowel. Remember when you used to pee in peace? Ahh the gold old days. 

8. You will do ANYTHING and I mean Anything to get your child to eat. You've slaved in the kitchen to make a deliciously healthy meal and if you've gotta get on your knees and pretend to feed it to the washing machine in the hope that your child just might eat some, you will do it without a second thought. Funny how they won't eat what's on their plate but they are more than willing to take a bite out of every Apple in the fruit bowel. 

9. It will become normal procedure to karate chop your child in the tummy to fold them into the car seat whilst they throw almighty tantrums. What is it with toddlers turning into ironing boards when you want to put them in the car. 

10. You will finally get something back from all those newborn days of constant feeding, changing and no sleep without even a smile back. You now have a little buddy to chat too, play with and when they take a break from destroying the house you might even get kisses and cuddles! 


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